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October 09, 2006 , Day -09


Today is my last day at home. After dinner tonight I return to the hospital again. This time, I don't think there will be anything preventing me from completing the radiation therapy and the stem cell transplant. I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on some things that have been rattling around my head.

I am about to do something that is very dangerous and unpleasant. When I relapsed, I knew I would have to go down this road again, and I was full of emotions about that. Most were pretty negative. There was fear, of course. Fear of dying, of bankruptcy, of not being able to care for my family, of the unpleasantness to come. There was also guilt, for not finishing a lot of the things I had committed to do, at work, at home, on my bicycle. There was also the weight of having to do a lot of things to prepare for all of this, while at the same time dealing with the immediate health problems I was suffering from at the moment. All of this was pretty depressing. I was really struggling. It was hard to find motivation to keep going. I really needed help.

After I got out of the hospital from my induction chemo, I started going to bike rides, or work, or spin classes. All the while I was getting emails and cards from all of you. In many cases, people told me what an inspiration I was to them for whatever challenges they were going through. In some cases the challenges were personal, in others, it was getting through the ride of the day, or maybe standing in the trainer for a few seconds more.

I was going to ride in the MS 150 this past weekend. I was training with my team until I went into the hospital. Yesterday, Menchie and I went to the aid station at the top of Torrey Pines. This is a hill that is about 2 miles of 7 percent grade. It is pretty hard if you are not familiar with it. It was the hardest climb in the MS 150. I sat at the top of the hill and cheered on the participants, wishing all the while that I was one of them. It was an incredible thrill to see my team come over the crest of the hill. As they pulled off the road where I was waiting we all had a big group hug, and took pictures. They didn't know I was going to be there. They said later that when they saw me, the fatigue of the ride and the hill climb went away. They said I inspired them to keep going. Many riders had cards that said who they were riding in honor of. Even though I don't have MS, my team had added me to their cards. Later, we cheered the team as they crossed the finish line. When they got their medals for finishing the ride, they got one for me too.

I have discovered that inspiration is a two edged sword. Like many good things, the more you give, the more you get. I was completely overwhelmed yesterday. At one point, I completely broke down. I was so grateful to what my team and the rest of the riders were doing. Mixed in was gratitude for the Lighthouse Century riders, the Tour de Tucson riders, for all of your emails, cards and prayers. You have all lifted me up. I will do what I have to do gladly, because of the inspiration you have given me. You have done amazing, difficult, wonderful things in my honor. I can do no less for you. You have motivated me and helped me face my coming trials with confidence and determination.

Lab Results

Blood Cell Type

Normal Low





WBC 4.5 nr 8.1 nr nr
RBC 4.3 nr 3.07 nr nr
HGB 13.9 nr 10.3 nr nr
PLT 130 nr 237 nr nr

Thank you all for supporting me so well.


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